Story from behind the Horizon

Its been two years.. yes two years,

Time flies so fast that i didn't even hear the buzz of it wings. I didn't realize i left Karonga for such a long time until i woke up this morning only to find myself closing my eyes over and over my eyes  trying to remember Chitumbuka words. Two years left me only with a very few words. My heart beat, i hurried to a table where i stuck my books and writing notes. Carefully, i opened again words that i learn in Malawi. Words that brought me closer and closer to my community, to the last mile.  i remember i had to often switch languages between tumbuka and english while i was talking to amama and adada and they were just laughing seeing me trying so hard.

I could forget the words, but the memories would never fade. it has special box at the back of my head. Especially when the book where some ( and very few) stories were being written was launched few weeks ago. I could always go back and read and experience the same thing over and over again..

This is the best gift from my adventure in Malawi. Together with two other amazing volunteers who conquered Thailand and Ghana, we worked really hard to have it written somewhere. It was one beautiful coincidence and support from different people, we could packed the stories in one book with beautiful bao bab tree in its orange-ish cover.

From Java with Love :)

This is it, the end of the chapter although I believe this is not literally the end. One year journey in Malawi that I committed has flown faster than I could imagine. Right when I started to feel  the beat, right when I realized I am doing something, right when my project manager started to talk to me that making my works a lot easier, right when I was in love with what I am doing, with the people, with place where I am staying, right when I accepted bitter sweet that has happened.  It ended there.

I am going home with pride. I was doing something. I wasn't waste my time. I was gaining what I wanted to get when I said YES to volunteer.  Self acceptance..yesﾅsadly, i didn't appreciate who I was before I went there. Badly, I didn't realize that I was able enough to do big things.  My farmers who were weeping over my leaving  helped me to understand that I did something.  If they could see me as I am why shouldn't i? if they could appreciate who I am why shouldn't i? if they could accept me as I am, why shouldn't i?  The moments that we shared together was significantly changed me as a person.
It wasn't good bye, it was just "see you soon" moments.  Though I don't know how soon, may be in this life, may be in the next life.

Now I am starting my Java chapter.  I hope I can stop comparing so that I can live my life easier. People always told me that my life will change after African experience, which turn to be true. Jakarta seems too big for a small girl like me. Crazy traffics and rush hour makes me missing the solitude in Malawi,  a lot of stairs of crossing bridge make me missing quiet road while walking and crossing the road, plenty of choice of clothes shoes bags makes me missing the simplicity of Karonga, Actress wannabe of 10 year old girl with full of make- up that I met in the mall make me missing Olivia and Wani, the sweetest children in Karonga, People who are busy with their big gadgets makes me miss "Muli Uli" or " Matsuera Bwanji" greetings. Oh, how I live a different life nowﾅI hope I wont turn to be the same human after some timeﾅ

My fellow returned volunteer told me to give myself time that apparently went through the same process. I promise myself to take it easy  and live a day at a time.


Ps: i will keep writing this blog and tell stories about how I miss Malawi. Will also post some photos as I can access faster internet now, so stay tune everyone..

Sweet Love,
Lili

ITS ABOUT TO END...

This is it. The journey of “sharing skill, changing life” is about to end. One more month and it will be a different story. Many things had happened since my last post that change my way of thinking and how I see my placement. At the end, I am happy that I will leave this program without bitterness and grudge.

This change of course will not possible without help from many amazing people who share their spirit with me. My family in Karonga is endlessly giving me supports and lessons. Shannon, the cheers leader and captain eating (how do you stay slim with all those eating??), Patrick, the perfectionist and the best organizer (thanks for making sure all those glamour trips happened Papa P..you still owe me Nyika or Tanzania :P), Tendai, the sweetest and kindness Malawian (or should I said Zimbabwean?), Raphael, our baby  and growing boy (hey..dont forced me to sing German song again ok…), and of course Gustav, (oh Gustav I will miss you badly…thanks for being so strong taking us everywhere in Malawi. Those trips would have been different without you). I am so blessed to have been sharing my life with this family which at the end teaches me to appreciate more than to complain.

The 21 days holidays around Malawi with the WATERS team also gave me extra power to finish my placement. I would never imagine that we could share that much fun together. I found myself smiling every time I remember our craziness and yet we still can have some constructive meetings in between our hangovers. Who would finish two bottles of water from heaven in some hours? Who would swim and play “Truth or Dare”  in the lake after midnight where there might me some crocodiles looking for food? (Oh..who lost the pants again? lol) Who would sleep in the non-waterproof tend and get soaked at the mountain? Who would constantly hop on and off minibuses for 21 days with all those smells of armpits, sweats, chickens, and fishes? Who would get on to the truck sharing spaces with dead animals, 20 plus other people and luggage not to mention pouring rain?  Who would stay under the rain and help the driver to get out from the muddy road for almost an hour? Who would keep our bottle of vodka under the skirt in a café because we are all running low? Who would dance two nights in a row just because we find a real club to dance regardless the unpaid allowance? During the day we behaved normal, sharing thoughts and idea, talking about life and discussing about works, but during the night we behaved abnormal.

BUT guess what, THAT’S WHY I LOVE you Doris, Florent, Brenda, Esther, and Marije…you taught me to see my life from different angles.  You taught me that I shouldn’t focus on my misery and not to always think about it. You taught me life must go on regardless what has happened and I am the only one who decides how it must go on. You taught me to keep friends for life and YOU ARE friends for life.  I am so proud of this team and so glad that I am part of it.

I am looking forward to give my last workshop to my communities sometime this month. I will be savoring my last moments with them. They are the reason of my existence here in Malawi. They are the reasons I stay. They are the reason I am able to fight the demons inside me and win the compassion.  I really hope that my time here changes their life somehow even in a smallest way. I will treasure this experience with them. I will value the love they given me. I will always keep them in my heart.

"What has changed" i once was asked

So it is over half way, WHAT HAS CHANGED?
Going through the indicators and based on the result of the Annual Partnerhip Review on my project, i am happy to report that there are some changes, direct or indirectly.

But that's not what i want to write here...

What has been changed? the answer is "ME"
This journey changes my life, up side down....i try so hard to hold on to what i believe, my moral is challenged, my compassion is being questioned, my dark side is exposed.

I feel ANGER slowly wrapping me in his wing from head to toes every time i encountered children who running all over me asking for "MONEY, SOBO, FANTA" or even to just bother with their nasty nose sound. Or when men approaching me with their drunkard eyes asking for more spirit to drink, asking to marry him, or just to ask SO MANY questions that i dont like to hear. I feel sad for not being able to react normal or to just simply ignore them. I feel disappointing on myself for letting those people having more power to determine my existence here. I become the meanest person..

Slowly i start to doubt myself. The compassion seems unreachable now...the road to happiness now bumping and i dont know where the bumpy road ends. Things that help me standing are i have goal to pursue, i have dream to catch, i have love to take care.

Question is how to react to a religious judgement?  I got a tough challenge the other day when a friend asked me "what has changes mostly since i arrived?". Loosing trust on people it is.
"Just like you lose trust in Jesus?" he judged
With a very un-genuinely smile i replied; "Do you think just because i didn't do what you are doing like hangout in the Church determine that i lose trust in Jesus?"
I know i was really mean...

The truth is God gives us freedom, like i am free to believe what i believe now. I am free to explore many other teachings that ever exist. which most of them said GOD is inside me. What is the final destination anyways? let alone heaven or hell...I dont trust them for SOOOO long time ago...

Living a life is MORE than heaven or hell....

David once said; " Life is about the process because the JOURNEY itself is the destination"
i couldn't agree more. And the stones along the road matters. The more stones or potholes that i successfully pass through the further i walk. Exhausted, tired, drained is definite but i guess it parts of the journey.

Does the change on MYSELF change my Journey? well..i dont think so... as i still trying hard to stay like i am, as i still trying hard to value what i valued before, i keep believing what i believe though it seems harder...
Mama Vanessa, Mama Imelda, Adada Kayenge, Adada Cirongo, Wini and Oliver the kids next door who always play with me show that i still have a bit of the heart that i brought along with me, they show me that i still deserve to stand here regardless the change in Me.

Riri Nyarwenda, The art of spelling and City of Stars Festival

"My name is Lili" i said when i introduced myself as soon as arrived in the country. " Oh Riri" Most of Malawian would reply. At the beginning patiently i tried to spell L I L I to them, and they would follow with R I R I. But after knowing that spelling was useless, and that soon after i was told that they always confused the letter "L" and "R" i just stoped correcting them. After 6 months being in country i already get used to hear people call me with RIRI instead of LILI. This art of spelling in Malawi sometimes make me and some other friends laugh our *ss off. For example with the word 'ELECTION" i always hear people said "ERECTION" :)...hilarious...

Anyways, it comes to my surprise that some of the leaders in the group of community where i am working gave me a local name. These 6 months i made a lot of field visit to the village and interact with them but nothing like this experience. It's all started when i took them to the knowledge exchange visit in Zomba about 900 km from Karonga. Spending a full week with them during the field visit to the sites of a climate change adaptation project in Lake Chilwa basin in Zomba helped us to know each other more. To be honest, leading 14 representatives from the community would never be easy especially when you have to ask somebody to translate what you are saying although there are couple of people who speak basic English who can ask me questions when they confuse. They seemed so happy  to have such an opportunity to travel and experience different life from what they have in Karonga. Especially when we visited one of the forest community in Mangochi, i could tell that they are amazed and felt important when we were welcomed with a lot of dancing and singing from the community. One leader looked at me in the eyes and say "Thank you for bringing us here", another lady came to me and just hug me with moistened eyes said something in the local language that i couldn't understand. Apparently, being welcomed with a lot of singing and dancing are something special for them which led to something special for me as soon as we were back to the hotel. Some of the leaders who can communicate simple english called me and said "Now your name is Mama Riri Nyarwenda" seems like they trust me enough to become part of them. I was moved for this is one of the highlight of my presence here in Malawi, they are accepting me.

The week is continuously better and better as i am taking my first 2 weeks vacation right after the workshop. It happened that the famous City of Stars Festival in Lilongwe were taken place. For the first time since i arrive i feel so free, two days in a row we were having fun, partying, dancing, eating, drinking, and  singing along with the bands (from reggae, to jazz, to Malawian music, to slum poetry, to sexy malawian dancing, ect ect ). It was best party in Malawi especially i was doing it with cool people, i am blessed.

The famous singer Lusius Banda on the background

Homesick Attack

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”

I let myself being sick listening to “hands-Jewel” over and over again for this pass two hours.  It’s ok, at least my subconscious mind records the beautiful words on it.  Every single word is like magical spell which can fix my state. For the first time, I really want to be home right now.  Not that I give up here, as a matter of fact, things are better for as long as I don’t get in touch and deal with the program office. My project runs smoothly, my family in Karonga grows, I seem in the right direction on pursuing my other dream and the beauty of Malawi awaits to be explored. BUT today, for the first time, I wished I am home. For a while I was thinking to stop running after this journey for I am so tired.  Share my life with my family, be close to those who always worry about me, decide a place which I can call home, crazily fall in love with a wonderful man.  But again, I am asking myself:
“will I stop there?”
“Won’t I ask for more?”

My mind brought me to moment when i almost finish my undergraduate, I thought, when I graduated I would be happy. Yes I was happy for a few days, but not anymore when I was busy looking for job.  At that moment I thought when I got a job, I would be happy. Yes I was happy when I got my first salary, second salary until the moment I thought I should get more. Things were never enough. There were moments I thought if I got a master degree, I would be happy.  Yes, i was happy for a moment, especially when I got a pretty good job afterwards. Again, I wanted to go to Africa, Clayton ever told me that my heart is in Africa, and i told him “ yes. When I go there I would be happy” .  I am happy indeed for the fact I am walking this far but there are also things which make me anxious and tired.

I try to apply the teaching from Ajahn Brahm in searching for happiness that I shouldn’t look for happiness in the future but to practice contentment right now, here in the present.  It seems so hard to let go the desire that I really want to happen in the future.  It’s hard not to imagining I am in other places at the moment.  Each and every day I feel that I am losing control over myself. I blame it to the heat, to the dust, to the stupid mini bus driver, to the thieves, to the angry men on the street, to all ignorance that I get.  I am angry inside and out and I am allowed.  But again, I recalled another beautiful teaching which told me to be thankful to those who gave me hard time for i will learn from them. The heat teach me to appreciate the cold in the south, dust teach me how to hold my breath longer, the stupid mini bus driver teach me to rely and ask favor from others, the thieves teach me to be aware, the angry men on the street teach me to be more calm and not to react, the ignorance teach me to work alone and survive.

But today, to be honest I wished I am home. As bad as it sounds the teaching of “Present Moment” seems vanish from my brain. I am imagining myself spending beautiful moments with my love ones, playing with Michelle, sitting in the living room with mom and dad arguing over something silly. Sadly, homesick part one is brutally attacking me. BUT I will never be broken, I will never be failed, I will never stop….i am sure one of these days I will find my way to get up again and be on my real stage.

I will get down on my knee and pray………..(hands-Jewel)

This is what i do in Malawi

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post.  I am now on my fourth month being in the placement and somehow still survive regardless things which have happened, bitter and sweet. But that’s not the reason I am writing this post. Let alone complains and difficulties, they will not make my time running faster to the month when I am eventually going home. Instead, I will do what I can do, share as much as I can, get what I can get and prepare myself for best things that will happen in my life.

So i got questions from some friends, "what exactly are you doing in Malawi?"..."how do you work in Malawi?"..."how do you live in Malawi?" and many more..

one questions at a time ok, now i will let you know what am i doing here.

Tobilho Catchment Area

So the project that I am engaging now called Water Futures: Towards Equitable Resource Strategies (WATER). The main objective of this project is to link the grass root communities and community based organizations with the district planning process in terms of climate change. We are using the Ecosystem Service Approach which is a way of understanding the complex relationships between humans and nature, for use in decision-making and planning. We are closely working with the district planners in the district level and with VNRMCs (Village Natural Resource Management Committee), Women group, Area Development Committee (ADC), Village Development Committee (VDC), People living with HIV/AIDS, and other marginalized groups in the village level.

Dance mama dance...

The system in Malawi is completely different with the system that I know in Indonesia. However, slowly but sure, I managed to digest some of the information about how things work in the village level. For most of the outsider, it must be fascinating whenever they talk about their culture such us the sound of clapping is different for the chief and for the ordinary people, they will look somewhere else when they talk to you to show their respect, women should cover their lower part of body with citinje (sarong) for not showing their sensuality but the upper part can be opened as it is, they eat raw cassava as if is the most delicious afternoon snack,  they dance and sing every time they feel happy (which I found in contrary with most of the communities in Indonesia who are more serious and rigid) and many more local values that sometimes blew my mind. I am lucky to be part of of it now, well at least for awhile.

This is how we do mapping execise

The travel to my selected community is a challenge though. The transport in the district is not always available, the fuel to cover 100 kms plus (both ways) is ridiculously expensive, my direct partner who helps me with the translation is always occupied with other tasks. If I can choose, I prefer to stay close to them and watch their day to day life. Nevertheless,


through some days intensive meetings with them we come up with decision that we will plant about 90.000 trees and do some other adaptation activities during this project to increase their adaptive capacity. We always sing and dance at the end of the meetings.  Again, I feel so lucky.

PS: More explanation about the project is here https://hackpad.com/Project-2-Engage-to-Adapt-fxcESOfW6Ao

Karonga and the trees

I always tried to keep writing and updating this blog, but always fail. I even avoided some friends who were asking how my life is here in Malawi. It’s not because I am being ignorant, but simply because i still don’t know what to feel yet, regardless today is my 17^th days being here. Some people might already find its rhythm by now, but to be honest i need more time to find my passion, and I am going to give myself time.

My 10 days in Lilongwe where I supposed to have my proper in country introduction passed amazingly. As amazing as it is, I almost lost my confidence over my program office. They seemed to make “office moving” as the reason not to take care of their new volunteer, not that I can’t take care of myself. But being new and totally blind with the situation here, I needed support.  With their “support”, they successfully made me feel useless and abandoned. I am so grateful to have other volunteers next to me who supportive enough to each other, which turned out to be the best healing to the frustration and my broken hearted. In this case, I truly passed my first 10 days amazingly. I got all support that i’ve ever needed. “Thank you guys” and I know these words would never be enough.

Freddy always told me that I would feel better when I move to my placement, which is true. All the way from Lilongwe to Karonga I was blessed with a beautiful view, another healing process. I got a good feeling about my mission as soon as left Lilongwe. I couldn’t explain how good I felt when I was watching that wild green landscape from the bus that I ride accompanied with “through the veil” by Kevin Kern played on my ipod. I told Reggie that 10 days frustration in Lilongwe was gone, I even feel grateful with the fact I am now in Malawi.

I spend a week now in Karonga, and I like it so far despite of the minimum access to whatever comfort I found at home, despite that I couldn’t find shampoo in its Market (well, I can always cut my hair), despite that I will only find 4 kinds of vegetables that I can eat (wait until I have my garden), despite that people called me “mzungu (white people) me..white?? puhlease…” or “china..china” or “japan…japan”, I don’t care. I will not let those scarce or people who label me make me lose my appreciation on the life I live in now.

My partner, The District Planning Office is pretty functioning, plus they already assigned one officer who will always help me with the project and go to the field with me. Speaking of which, I spent my first week with the community already which for me is awesome. First week at work and you already exposed to the grass root community?. Amazing. They were so happy when I started to greet them in my basic Chitumbuka. One thing that I learn from my first week in the field, there is no village hall, there is no “Meunasah” like in Aceh, there is no “banjar’ like in Bali, people meet under the big tree. There might be few wooden stools for the leaders but the rest of the meeting participants sit on the ground. I sit together with the amama’s (women) who came with their babies as I like to look at them during the meeting. Often, the babies fallen asleep during the meeting and the mother simply laid him in the dirty ground. There was also a small boy who cried out loud when I smiled at him, which made me feel bad.

This year, I will attend a lot of meetings under the tree. So far, there were akasia trees and Baobab trees. I will try to keep record on the trees, as it will become one witness of me in Malawi. Hope to have a story written about it at the end of this journey.