It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”
I let myself being sick listening to “hands-Jewel” over and over again for this pass two hours. It’s ok, at least my subconscious mind records the beautiful words on it. Every single word is like magical spell which can fix my state. For the first time, I really want to be home right now. Not that I give up here, as a matter of fact, things are better for as long as I don’t get in touch and deal with the program office. My project runs smoothly, my family in Karonga grows, I seem in the right direction on pursuing my other dream and the beauty of Malawi awaits to be explored. BUT today, for the first time, I wished I am home. For a while I was thinking to stop running after this journey for I am so tired. Share my life with my family, be close to those who always worry about me, decide a place which I can call home, crazily fall in love with a wonderful man. But again, I am asking myself:
“will I stop there?”
“Won’t I ask for more?”
My mind brought me to moment when i almost finish my undergraduate, I thought, when I graduated I would be happy. Yes I was happy for a few days, but not anymore when I was busy looking for job. At that moment I thought when I got a job, I would be happy. Yes I was happy when I got my first salary, second salary until the moment I thought I should get more. Things were never enough. There were moments I thought if I got a master degree, I would be happy. Yes, i was happy for a moment, especially when I got a pretty good job afterwards. Again, I wanted to go to Africa, Clayton ever told me that my heart is in Africa, and i told him “ yes. When I go there I would be happy” . I am happy indeed for the fact I am walking this far but there are also things which make me anxious and tired.
I try to apply the teaching from Ajahn Brahm in searching for happiness that I shouldn’t look for happiness in the future but to practice contentment right now, here in the present. It seems so hard to let go the desire that I really want to happen in the future. It’s hard not to imagining I am in other places at the moment. Each and every day I feel that I am losing control over myself. I blame it to the heat, to the dust, to the stupid mini bus driver, to the thieves, to the angry men on the street, to all ignorance that I get. I am angry inside and out and I am allowed. But again, I recalled another beautiful teaching which told me to be thankful to those who gave me hard time for i will learn from them. The heat teach me to appreciate the cold in the south, dust teach me how to hold my breath longer, the stupid mini bus driver teach me to rely and ask favor from others, the thieves teach me to be aware, the angry men on the street teach me to be more calm and not to react, the ignorance teach me to work alone and survive.
But today, to be honest I wished I am home. As bad as it sounds the teaching of “Present Moment” seems vanish from my brain. I am imagining myself spending beautiful moments with my love ones, playing with Michelle, sitting in the living room with mom and dad arguing over something silly. Sadly, homesick part one is brutally attacking me. BUT I will never be broken, I will never be failed, I will never stop….i am sure one of these days I will find my way to get up again and be on my real stage.
I will get down on my knee and pray………..(hands-Jewel)
No comments:
Post a Comment