Homesick Attack

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”

I let myself being sick listening to “hands-Jewel” over and over again for this pass two hours.  It’s ok, at least my subconscious mind records the beautiful words on it.  Every single word is like magical spell which can fix my state. For the first time, I really want to be home right now.  Not that I give up here, as a matter of fact, things are better for as long as I don’t get in touch and deal with the program office. My project runs smoothly, my family in Karonga grows, I seem in the right direction on pursuing my other dream and the beauty of Malawi awaits to be explored. BUT today, for the first time, I wished I am home. For a while I was thinking to stop running after this journey for I am so tired.  Share my life with my family, be close to those who always worry about me, decide a place which I can call home, crazily fall in love with a wonderful man.  But again, I am asking myself:
“will I stop there?”
“Won’t I ask for more?”

My mind brought me to moment when i almost finish my undergraduate, I thought, when I graduated I would be happy. Yes I was happy for a few days, but not anymore when I was busy looking for job.  At that moment I thought when I got a job, I would be happy. Yes I was happy when I got my first salary, second salary until the moment I thought I should get more. Things were never enough. There were moments I thought if I got a master degree, I would be happy.  Yes, i was happy for a moment, especially when I got a pretty good job afterwards. Again, I wanted to go to Africa, Clayton ever told me that my heart is in Africa, and i told him “ yes. When I go there I would be happy” .  I am happy indeed for the fact I am walking this far but there are also things which make me anxious and tired.

I try to apply the teaching from Ajahn Brahm in searching for happiness that I shouldn’t look for happiness in the future but to practice contentment right now, here in the present.  It seems so hard to let go the desire that I really want to happen in the future.  It’s hard not to imagining I am in other places at the moment.  Each and every day I feel that I am losing control over myself. I blame it to the heat, to the dust, to the stupid mini bus driver, to the thieves, to the angry men on the street, to all ignorance that I get.  I am angry inside and out and I am allowed.  But again, I recalled another beautiful teaching which told me to be thankful to those who gave me hard time for i will learn from them. The heat teach me to appreciate the cold in the south, dust teach me how to hold my breath longer, the stupid mini bus driver teach me to rely and ask favor from others, the thieves teach me to be aware, the angry men on the street teach me to be more calm and not to react, the ignorance teach me to work alone and survive.

But today, to be honest I wished I am home. As bad as it sounds the teaching of “Present Moment” seems vanish from my brain. I am imagining myself spending beautiful moments with my love ones, playing with Michelle, sitting in the living room with mom and dad arguing over something silly. Sadly, homesick part one is brutally attacking me. BUT I will never be broken, I will never be failed, I will never stop….i am sure one of these days I will find my way to get up again and be on my real stage.

I will get down on my knee and pray………..(hands-Jewel)

This is what i do in Malawi

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post.  I am now on my fourth month being in the placement and somehow still survive regardless things which have happened, bitter and sweet. But that’s not the reason I am writing this post. Let alone complains and difficulties, they will not make my time running faster to the month when I am eventually going home. Instead, I will do what I can do, share as much as I can, get what I can get and prepare myself for best things that will happen in my life.

So i got questions from some friends, "what exactly are you doing in Malawi?"..."how do you work in Malawi?"..."how do you live in Malawi?" and many more..

one questions at a time ok, now i will let you know what am i doing here.

Tobilho Catchment Area

So the project that I am engaging now called Water Futures: Towards Equitable Resource Strategies (WATER). The main objective of this project is to link the grass root communities and community based organizations with the district planning process in terms of climate change. We are using the Ecosystem Service Approach which is a way of understanding the complex relationships between humans and nature, for use in decision-making and planning. We are closely working with the district planners in the district level and with VNRMCs (Village Natural Resource Management Committee), Women group, Area Development Committee (ADC), Village Development Committee (VDC), People living with HIV/AIDS, and other marginalized groups in the village level.

Dance mama dance...

The system in Malawi is completely different with the system that I know in Indonesia. However, slowly but sure, I managed to digest some of the information about how things work in the village level. For most of the outsider, it must be fascinating whenever they talk about their culture such us the sound of clapping is different for the chief and for the ordinary people, they will look somewhere else when they talk to you to show their respect, women should cover their lower part of body with citinje (sarong) for not showing their sensuality but the upper part can be opened as it is, they eat raw cassava as if is the most delicious afternoon snack,  they dance and sing every time they feel happy (which I found in contrary with most of the communities in Indonesia who are more serious and rigid) and many more local values that sometimes blew my mind. I am lucky to be part of of it now, well at least for awhile.

This is how we do mapping execise

The travel to my selected community is a challenge though. The transport in the district is not always available, the fuel to cover 100 kms plus (both ways) is ridiculously expensive, my direct partner who helps me with the translation is always occupied with other tasks. If I can choose, I prefer to stay close to them and watch their day to day life. Nevertheless,


through some days intensive meetings with them we come up with decision that we will plant about 90.000 trees and do some other adaptation activities during this project to increase their adaptive capacity. We always sing and dance at the end of the meetings.  Again, I feel so lucky.

PS: More explanation about the project is here https://hackpad.com/Project-2-Engage-to-Adapt-fxcESOfW6Ao