"What has changed" i once was asked

So it is over half way, WHAT HAS CHANGED?
Going through the indicators and based on the result of the Annual Partnerhip Review on my project, i am happy to report that there are some changes, direct or indirectly.

But that's not what i want to write here...

What has been changed? the answer is "ME"
This journey changes my life, up side down....i try so hard to hold on to what i believe, my moral is challenged, my compassion is being questioned, my dark side is exposed.

I feel ANGER slowly wrapping me in his wing from head to toes every time i encountered children who running all over me asking for "MONEY, SOBO, FANTA" or even to just bother with their nasty nose sound. Or when men approaching me with their drunkard eyes asking for more spirit to drink, asking to marry him, or just to ask SO MANY questions that i dont like to hear. I feel sad for not being able to react normal or to just simply ignore them. I feel disappointing on myself for letting those people having more power to determine my existence here. I become the meanest person..

Slowly i start to doubt myself. The compassion seems unreachable now...the road to happiness now bumping and i dont know where the bumpy road ends. Things that help me standing are i have goal to pursue, i have dream to catch, i have love to take care.

Question is how to react to a religious judgement?  I got a tough challenge the other day when a friend asked me "what has changes mostly since i arrived?". Loosing trust on people it is.
"Just like you lose trust in Jesus?" he judged
With a very un-genuinely smile i replied; "Do you think just because i didn't do what you are doing like hangout in the Church determine that i lose trust in Jesus?"
I know i was really mean...

The truth is God gives us freedom, like i am free to believe what i believe now. I am free to explore many other teachings that ever exist. which most of them said GOD is inside me. What is the final destination anyways? let alone heaven or hell...I dont trust them for SOOOO long time ago...

Living a life is MORE than heaven or hell....

David once said; " Life is about the process because the JOURNEY itself is the destination"
i couldn't agree more. And the stones along the road matters. The more stones or potholes that i successfully pass through the further i walk. Exhausted, tired, drained is definite but i guess it parts of the journey.

Does the change on MYSELF change my Journey? well..i dont think so... as i still trying hard to stay like i am, as i still trying hard to value what i valued before, i keep believing what i believe though it seems harder...
Mama Vanessa, Mama Imelda, Adada Kayenge, Adada Cirongo, Wini and Oliver the kids next door who always play with me show that i still have a bit of the heart that i brought along with me, they show me that i still deserve to stand here regardless the change in Me.

The journey to a healing

Surprisingly, the days i spent in Lilongwe turned to be good days regardless crazy windy and cloudy days. Alone, i walked in the poor streets of the old town in Lilongwe where most of people avoid to walk into. Even the program office suggested not to walk in those streets due to lots of crimes happened there. I tried to look people in their eyes. I fought my fear and try to trust those who also walk there. But honestly i never let myself off guarded. I am tired of walking in the safe side and avoiding having contact with the locals just because the fear of getting hurt. I took minibus here and there regardless my sickness of minibus for changing my life. Somehow, i have to ever come those feelings.

The journey of healing my soul is continuing. I took 13 hours bus crossing the country into Zambia. I tried not to feel anything when the bus moved so slow, stopping everywhere to take passengers, bad body odor from other passangers, super friendly immigration officer who spread his charm as if he is the most handsome man in the world that he can pick any girl that he wants, moody ugly and not pleasant girl who sit next to me. I dont listen to the complains from other white passengers on how difficult travelling in africa is. i was so cool with my ipod and myself. i cant stop smiling everytime i remember how easy the trip was regardless the long hours and tiresome journey.

Spending some days in Lusaka, meeting old friend and catch up on whats going on in our life, wandering around Livingstone, following all track on Vicatoria Falls park, Riding horse and encountering Zebras and Girraffe was really special. Slowly i gather myself back and start to like again the fact of being in Africa. 5 more months, i assume i can handle it well now.

Despite the heat that strike Karonga from this month onward, i am glad that i am back. I rearranged the house to feel more hommy, put some beautiful paintings on the wall, burnt some incenses and work on my garden. The special things is to meet my Karonga crew, they can always put smile on my face everytime we make fool to each other and talk about all different things.

They also make my birthday special. Shannon was attacking my desk with many beautiful birthday cards. at the chair, on the table, in the drawers, under the laptop. Literally, every time i went out and abandon my desk, she invaded it with cards. i am so blessed. And the boys were so excited for me. i couldn't ask for more celebration, having a special days with beautiful smiles from my friends and having dinner at the beach is more than i expected during this placement. I am thankful to life.

Riri Nyarwenda, The art of spelling and City of Stars Festival

"My name is Lili" i said when i introduced myself as soon as arrived in the country. " Oh Riri" Most of Malawian would reply. At the beginning patiently i tried to spell L I L I to them, and they would follow with R I R I. But after knowing that spelling was useless, and that soon after i was told that they always confused the letter "L" and "R" i just stoped correcting them. After 6 months being in country i already get used to hear people call me with RIRI instead of LILI. This art of spelling in Malawi sometimes make me and some other friends laugh our *ss off. For example with the word 'ELECTION" i always hear people said "ERECTION" :)...hilarious...

Anyways, it comes to my surprise that some of the leaders in the group of community where i am working gave me a local name. These 6 months i made a lot of field visit to the village and interact with them but nothing like this experience. It's all started when i took them to the knowledge exchange visit in Zomba about 900 km from Karonga. Spending a full week with them during the field visit to the sites of a climate change adaptation project in Lake Chilwa basin in Zomba helped us to know each other more. To be honest, leading 14 representatives from the community would never be easy especially when you have to ask somebody to translate what you are saying although there are couple of people who speak basic English who can ask me questions when they confuse. They seemed so happy  to have such an opportunity to travel and experience different life from what they have in Karonga. Especially when we visited one of the forest community in Mangochi, i could tell that they are amazed and felt important when we were welcomed with a lot of dancing and singing from the community. One leader looked at me in the eyes and say "Thank you for bringing us here", another lady came to me and just hug me with moistened eyes said something in the local language that i couldn't understand. Apparently, being welcomed with a lot of singing and dancing are something special for them which led to something special for me as soon as we were back to the hotel. Some of the leaders who can communicate simple english called me and said "Now your name is Mama Riri Nyarwenda" seems like they trust me enough to become part of them. I was moved for this is one of the highlight of my presence here in Malawi, they are accepting me.

The week is continuously better and better as i am taking my first 2 weeks vacation right after the workshop. It happened that the famous City of Stars Festival in Lilongwe were taken place. For the first time since i arrive i feel so free, two days in a row we were having fun, partying, dancing, eating, drinking, and  singing along with the bands (from reggae, to jazz, to Malawian music, to slum poetry, to sexy malawian dancing, ect ect ). It was best party in Malawi especially i was doing it with cool people, i am blessed.

The famous singer Lusius Banda on the background

Gardening and tree planting, i am having fun at least

"You should stay here for four years" said Mama Vannesa, one of my neighbors after telling her the use of herbs that i plant in my small garden. She said i can be their African doctor. I just smiled, i wished there are more that can hold me to stay for four years.
Slowly, i collect myself together after the last insanity. Simply because i want the remaining 5 months to pass peacefully, no grieve, no sorry, no other insanity (i hope). I spent the last 3 hours today working in the garden. Distributing cauliflower seedlings, preparing bedding for beans nursery, putting all herbs in one plot, i enjoyed it. Not just once, i screamed and shocked when i saw the small head of worm pop up from the earth when i scarified the soil. To be honest, i dont like them, but what can i say, they are best friend with my plants and have to see them all the time. Yikes...

Anyways, Karonga becomes warmer and warmer. I start seeing people sleep outside and seems they dont bother with mosquito while Malaria is the number one killer here in Africa. More people in the streets which sometimes irritating me, especially children who often following me asking for money, or simply want to bother me with chinness nose sounds. The more i tried to ask them to stop, the more fun it is for them and the more evil smile i saw in their face. But i learned the trick already, ignoring and giving them the very mean face will stop them.

It is so much different in the village though, children tend to behave like children that i know, shy, cute, and

Innocent.  The trip to the village the whole week last week encouraged me to give my best again. I am getting back my spirit. We distributed as much as 80.000 tree seeds in 10 different nurseries together with all necessary inputs that they need to work on their nursery. i enjoyed filling the polypack tubes with soil with them. we were having fun although sometimes i have no idea what they were talking about.  I promised myself to mobilize them planting those trees in the woodlot that they prepared before i am going home early next year. At least there is tangible work that i leave in this bitter sweet home.

Insanity episode

Life is a journey indeed. And it depends on myself on how to make the journey interesting. One hour ago, I was crying like hell on my existence, everything that I was in contact with brought me down until I couldn’t walk anymore, until I couldn’t breathe, until I couldn’t feel air in my lung, until I felt I am about to explode. I grabbed a pretty sharp and big scissor that I used to cut papers for my workshop.  Without hesitating, I grabbed a handful of my hairs and start cutting it. A handful after a handful after a handful...tears were running down, but I feel NOTHING in my heart. I start to get Goosebumps on my neck  and feel my own insanity. 30 cms hairs that I adore gone with no pain, SIMPLY no pain. I looked at my beautiful soulless hairs on the floor as if they were not part of me. I stared at them hoping they WOULD stare back at me and ask me WHY?? They are simply idle.  Like a psychopath I cut the remaining hairs, I was enjoying listening to every sound the scissors made…sraaaap..sraaaap, my ears were making love to the sound. I AM GOING MAD,  until no more hairs to cut. Small pieces are all over the room, EVERYWHERE.. like bugs and termites during summer time.  I closed my eyes, realizing that it was the furthest I can go…either to continue feeling miserable and low and useless and disgusting OR to face the world with new perspective and let HOPE grows as my new hairs grow and begin a new journey.

Homesick Attack

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”

I let myself being sick listening to “hands-Jewel” over and over again for this pass two hours.  It’s ok, at least my subconscious mind records the beautiful words on it.  Every single word is like magical spell which can fix my state. For the first time, I really want to be home right now.  Not that I give up here, as a matter of fact, things are better for as long as I don’t get in touch and deal with the program office. My project runs smoothly, my family in Karonga grows, I seem in the right direction on pursuing my other dream and the beauty of Malawi awaits to be explored. BUT today, for the first time, I wished I am home. For a while I was thinking to stop running after this journey for I am so tired.  Share my life with my family, be close to those who always worry about me, decide a place which I can call home, crazily fall in love with a wonderful man.  But again, I am asking myself:
“will I stop there?”
“Won’t I ask for more?”

My mind brought me to moment when i almost finish my undergraduate, I thought, when I graduated I would be happy. Yes I was happy for a few days, but not anymore when I was busy looking for job.  At that moment I thought when I got a job, I would be happy. Yes I was happy when I got my first salary, second salary until the moment I thought I should get more. Things were never enough. There were moments I thought if I got a master degree, I would be happy.  Yes, i was happy for a moment, especially when I got a pretty good job afterwards. Again, I wanted to go to Africa, Clayton ever told me that my heart is in Africa, and i told him “ yes. When I go there I would be happy” .  I am happy indeed for the fact I am walking this far but there are also things which make me anxious and tired.

I try to apply the teaching from Ajahn Brahm in searching for happiness that I shouldn’t look for happiness in the future but to practice contentment right now, here in the present.  It seems so hard to let go the desire that I really want to happen in the future.  It’s hard not to imagining I am in other places at the moment.  Each and every day I feel that I am losing control over myself. I blame it to the heat, to the dust, to the stupid mini bus driver, to the thieves, to the angry men on the street, to all ignorance that I get.  I am angry inside and out and I am allowed.  But again, I recalled another beautiful teaching which told me to be thankful to those who gave me hard time for i will learn from them. The heat teach me to appreciate the cold in the south, dust teach me how to hold my breath longer, the stupid mini bus driver teach me to rely and ask favor from others, the thieves teach me to be aware, the angry men on the street teach me to be more calm and not to react, the ignorance teach me to work alone and survive.

But today, to be honest I wished I am home. As bad as it sounds the teaching of “Present Moment” seems vanish from my brain. I am imagining myself spending beautiful moments with my love ones, playing with Michelle, sitting in the living room with mom and dad arguing over something silly. Sadly, homesick part one is brutally attacking me. BUT I will never be broken, I will never be failed, I will never stop….i am sure one of these days I will find my way to get up again and be on my real stage.

I will get down on my knee and pray………..(hands-Jewel)

This is what i do in Malawi

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post.  I am now on my fourth month being in the placement and somehow still survive regardless things which have happened, bitter and sweet. But that’s not the reason I am writing this post. Let alone complains and difficulties, they will not make my time running faster to the month when I am eventually going home. Instead, I will do what I can do, share as much as I can, get what I can get and prepare myself for best things that will happen in my life.

So i got questions from some friends, "what exactly are you doing in Malawi?"..."how do you work in Malawi?"..."how do you live in Malawi?" and many more..

one questions at a time ok, now i will let you know what am i doing here.

Tobilho Catchment Area

So the project that I am engaging now called Water Futures: Towards Equitable Resource Strategies (WATER). The main objective of this project is to link the grass root communities and community based organizations with the district planning process in terms of climate change. We are using the Ecosystem Service Approach which is a way of understanding the complex relationships between humans and nature, for use in decision-making and planning. We are closely working with the district planners in the district level and with VNRMCs (Village Natural Resource Management Committee), Women group, Area Development Committee (ADC), Village Development Committee (VDC), People living with HIV/AIDS, and other marginalized groups in the village level.

Dance mama dance...

The system in Malawi is completely different with the system that I know in Indonesia. However, slowly but sure, I managed to digest some of the information about how things work in the village level. For most of the outsider, it must be fascinating whenever they talk about their culture such us the sound of clapping is different for the chief and for the ordinary people, they will look somewhere else when they talk to you to show their respect, women should cover their lower part of body with citinje (sarong) for not showing their sensuality but the upper part can be opened as it is, they eat raw cassava as if is the most delicious afternoon snack,  they dance and sing every time they feel happy (which I found in contrary with most of the communities in Indonesia who are more serious and rigid) and many more local values that sometimes blew my mind. I am lucky to be part of of it now, well at least for awhile.

This is how we do mapping execise

The travel to my selected community is a challenge though. The transport in the district is not always available, the fuel to cover 100 kms plus (both ways) is ridiculously expensive, my direct partner who helps me with the translation is always occupied with other tasks. If I can choose, I prefer to stay close to them and watch their day to day life. Nevertheless,


through some days intensive meetings with them we come up with decision that we will plant about 90.000 trees and do some other adaptation activities during this project to increase their adaptive capacity. We always sing and dance at the end of the meetings.  Again, I feel so lucky.

PS: More explanation about the project is here https://hackpad.com/Project-2-Engage-to-Adapt-fxcESOfW6Ao