Homesick Attack

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”

I let myself being sick listening to “hands-Jewel” over and over again for this pass two hours.  It’s ok, at least my subconscious mind records the beautiful words on it.  Every single word is like magical spell which can fix my state. For the first time, I really want to be home right now.  Not that I give up here, as a matter of fact, things are better for as long as I don’t get in touch and deal with the program office. My project runs smoothly, my family in Karonga grows, I seem in the right direction on pursuing my other dream and the beauty of Malawi awaits to be explored. BUT today, for the first time, I wished I am home. For a while I was thinking to stop running after this journey for I am so tired.  Share my life with my family, be close to those who always worry about me, decide a place which I can call home, crazily fall in love with a wonderful man.  But again, I am asking myself:
“will I stop there?”
“Won’t I ask for more?”

My mind brought me to moment when i almost finish my undergraduate, I thought, when I graduated I would be happy. Yes I was happy for a few days, but not anymore when I was busy looking for job.  At that moment I thought when I got a job, I would be happy. Yes I was happy when I got my first salary, second salary until the moment I thought I should get more. Things were never enough. There were moments I thought if I got a master degree, I would be happy.  Yes, i was happy for a moment, especially when I got a pretty good job afterwards. Again, I wanted to go to Africa, Clayton ever told me that my heart is in Africa, and i told him “ yes. When I go there I would be happy” .  I am happy indeed for the fact I am walking this far but there are also things which make me anxious and tired.

I try to apply the teaching from Ajahn Brahm in searching for happiness that I shouldn’t look for happiness in the future but to practice contentment right now, here in the present.  It seems so hard to let go the desire that I really want to happen in the future.  It’s hard not to imagining I am in other places at the moment.  Each and every day I feel that I am losing control over myself. I blame it to the heat, to the dust, to the stupid mini bus driver, to the thieves, to the angry men on the street, to all ignorance that I get.  I am angry inside and out and I am allowed.  But again, I recalled another beautiful teaching which told me to be thankful to those who gave me hard time for i will learn from them. The heat teach me to appreciate the cold in the south, dust teach me how to hold my breath longer, the stupid mini bus driver teach me to rely and ask favor from others, the thieves teach me to be aware, the angry men on the street teach me to be more calm and not to react, the ignorance teach me to work alone and survive.

But today, to be honest I wished I am home. As bad as it sounds the teaching of “Present Moment” seems vanish from my brain. I am imagining myself spending beautiful moments with my love ones, playing with Michelle, sitting in the living room with mom and dad arguing over something silly. Sadly, homesick part one is brutally attacking me. BUT I will never be broken, I will never be failed, I will never stop….i am sure one of these days I will find my way to get up again and be on my real stage.

I will get down on my knee and pray………..(hands-Jewel)

This is what i do in Malawi

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post.  I am now on my fourth month being in the placement and somehow still survive regardless things which have happened, bitter and sweet. But that’s not the reason I am writing this post. Let alone complains and difficulties, they will not make my time running faster to the month when I am eventually going home. Instead, I will do what I can do, share as much as I can, get what I can get and prepare myself for best things that will happen in my life.

So i got questions from some friends, "what exactly are you doing in Malawi?"..."how do you work in Malawi?"..."how do you live in Malawi?" and many more..

one questions at a time ok, now i will let you know what am i doing here.

Tobilho Catchment Area

So the project that I am engaging now called Water Futures: Towards Equitable Resource Strategies (WATER). The main objective of this project is to link the grass root communities and community based organizations with the district planning process in terms of climate change. We are using the Ecosystem Service Approach which is a way of understanding the complex relationships between humans and nature, for use in decision-making and planning. We are closely working with the district planners in the district level and with VNRMCs (Village Natural Resource Management Committee), Women group, Area Development Committee (ADC), Village Development Committee (VDC), People living with HIV/AIDS, and other marginalized groups in the village level.

Dance mama dance...

The system in Malawi is completely different with the system that I know in Indonesia. However, slowly but sure, I managed to digest some of the information about how things work in the village level. For most of the outsider, it must be fascinating whenever they talk about their culture such us the sound of clapping is different for the chief and for the ordinary people, they will look somewhere else when they talk to you to show their respect, women should cover their lower part of body with citinje (sarong) for not showing their sensuality but the upper part can be opened as it is, they eat raw cassava as if is the most delicious afternoon snack,  they dance and sing every time they feel happy (which I found in contrary with most of the communities in Indonesia who are more serious and rigid) and many more local values that sometimes blew my mind. I am lucky to be part of of it now, well at least for awhile.

This is how we do mapping execise

The travel to my selected community is a challenge though. The transport in the district is not always available, the fuel to cover 100 kms plus (both ways) is ridiculously expensive, my direct partner who helps me with the translation is always occupied with other tasks. If I can choose, I prefer to stay close to them and watch their day to day life. Nevertheless,


through some days intensive meetings with them we come up with decision that we will plant about 90.000 trees and do some other adaptation activities during this project to increase their adaptive capacity. We always sing and dance at the end of the meetings.  Again, I feel so lucky.

PS: More explanation about the project is here https://hackpad.com/Project-2-Engage-to-Adapt-fxcESOfW6Ao

Karonga and the trees

I always tried to keep writing and updating this blog, but always fail. I even avoided some friends who were asking how my life is here in Malawi. It’s not because I am being ignorant, but simply because i still don’t know what to feel yet, regardless today is my 17^th days being here. Some people might already find its rhythm by now, but to be honest i need more time to find my passion, and I am going to give myself time.

My 10 days in Lilongwe where I supposed to have my proper in country introduction passed amazingly. As amazing as it is, I almost lost my confidence over my program office. They seemed to make “office moving” as the reason not to take care of their new volunteer, not that I can’t take care of myself. But being new and totally blind with the situation here, I needed support.  With their “support”, they successfully made me feel useless and abandoned. I am so grateful to have other volunteers next to me who supportive enough to each other, which turned out to be the best healing to the frustration and my broken hearted. In this case, I truly passed my first 10 days amazingly. I got all support that i’ve ever needed. “Thank you guys” and I know these words would never be enough.

Freddy always told me that I would feel better when I move to my placement, which is true. All the way from Lilongwe to Karonga I was blessed with a beautiful view, another healing process. I got a good feeling about my mission as soon as left Lilongwe. I couldn’t explain how good I felt when I was watching that wild green landscape from the bus that I ride accompanied with “through the veil” by Kevin Kern played on my ipod. I told Reggie that 10 days frustration in Lilongwe was gone, I even feel grateful with the fact I am now in Malawi.

I spend a week now in Karonga, and I like it so far despite of the minimum access to whatever comfort I found at home, despite that I couldn’t find shampoo in its Market (well, I can always cut my hair), despite that I will only find 4 kinds of vegetables that I can eat (wait until I have my garden), despite that people called me “mzungu (white people) me..white?? puhlease…” or “china..china” or “japan…japan”, I don’t care. I will not let those scarce or people who label me make me lose my appreciation on the life I live in now.

My partner, The District Planning Office is pretty functioning, plus they already assigned one officer who will always help me with the project and go to the field with me. Speaking of which, I spent my first week with the community already which for me is awesome. First week at work and you already exposed to the grass root community?. Amazing. They were so happy when I started to greet them in my basic Chitumbuka. One thing that I learn from my first week in the field, there is no village hall, there is no “Meunasah” like in Aceh, there is no “banjar’ like in Bali, people meet under the big tree. There might be few wooden stools for the leaders but the rest of the meeting participants sit on the ground. I sit together with the amama’s (women) who came with their babies as I like to look at them during the meeting. Often, the babies fallen asleep during the meeting and the mother simply laid him in the dirty ground. There was also a small boy who cried out loud when I smiled at him, which made me feel bad.

This year, I will attend a lot of meetings under the tree. So far, there were akasia trees and Baobab trees. I will try to keep record on the trees, as it will become one witness of me in Malawi. Hope to have a story written about it at the end of this journey.

Malawi now and then

I safely arrived in Lilongwe. I was so glad to see a familiar face waiting for me at the airport. Freddy, a fellow volunteer from Indonesia who happens to work at VSO Malawi office waved his hands to get my attention. by that time I knew that I will be alright. The travel to the town where my hotel is wasn’t that long. It was a dry yet beautiful view on the way to the town. I had to keep reminding myself that I am in a different world and shouldn’t expect to see tall buildings, mega apartments, and fancy shopping malls. But truly, I never expect to see what I saw.

in one of the Market

As soon as I arrived at the riverside hotel, the only thing I wanted to do is taking shower. Reggie and Herman, the other VSO volunteers were already in the hotel. Poor them, they have to delay having Easter lunch because of waiting for me. Again, I knew that I will be alright. At the first hours of my life in Africa, there are people who welcome and concern about me. The support keeps coming. I don’t feel that I am a new comer except that I don’t know how to get to one place without someone taking me. Apart from that, I feel comfortable already they treat me as I am part of them. They show me around, took me to the city center, invite me for dinner, talk easily about stuffs. They make my coping with the new situation so much easier.

At this stage, i don’t want to complain about anything even though I feel some weird things happen in the office. i will not work in this office anyways. My employer is in Karonga, and I am looking forward to see and meet them next Wednesday. I believe there will be another headache later on dealing with them which I don’t want to think about at the moment.

The City of Lilongwe

It comes to my surprise that my house in Karonga is not yet ready while they were pushing me to come as early as possible. It means that I will stay in a lodge for another week and buying my own furnitures for the house once i get there next Wednesday. Well, I hope my settling in grants will be enough to buy them all. BUT I cant wait to be there and settle up. I am tired staying in hotels where I can’t fix my own food (oh I lost 2 kg already as I am still adapting with the taste) and be comfortable at my couch, start planting some veggies in my yard, or even play with the kids in my neighborhood.

The Departure

I am not sure it is a mistake or not for keeping it going although we haven’t got any consensus of how long I will be staying. I wrote them an email saying my disappointment for this miscommunication and stressed up that I am only available for 12 months but never heard back. 6 days before my departure, there is an electronic ticket for my trip on my email together with program planning for my in country training.  So I assumed that they also agree for me to stay as the initial plan regardless how expensive it is to send me there. We will see how will be the discussion going on once I get there.

Anyways, I will start my journey soon. I am still bad at saying good bye although I keep doing it over and over again. It’s hard to even hug and say good bye to my good friends in Bali. In a very feminine way we cried, and in a very masculine way we punched and got drunk :P.  It was a very beautiful friendship that I’ve got there. They are all amazing and inspire in their way. And the best of all, I feel so much loved.

 I hope the “saying bye “ moment with my family will be easy though. AND I notice, it is easier and easier for us now. Perhaps because I keep going and they get used to see me flying away already. Poor mom, she’s only got one daughter but keep walking and never staying. I know they are worried but they never show it to me. The best thing I can do is to take good care of myself.

So it will be a long haul flight, 3 hours from home to the airport, 2 hours flight from Medan to Jakarta, 4 hours from Jakarta to Bangkok, another 10 hours from Bangkok to Addis Ababa, then more than 3 hours from Addis to Lilongwe. Will ever be survive in this haul flights? I will let you know soon.

24 months??? Oh no...

Alright, so it was planned that i will depart on the 30th of March. It is less than 10 days from today. But here i am disappointed and surprise, and confuse and a bit upset with the news given by my adviser during our skype meeting today. Well, surprise surprise, they expect me to stay for 24 months instead of 12 months like the initial offer. the only reason is miscommunication. but come on, there is no such thing like miscommunication with months and months and months process. and it is a life of volunteer that we are talking about.

Mentally, financially, socially, i am prepared for 12 months, i can not imagine myself staying there for 24 months without seeing my love ones. I said yes at the first place because it's only for a year, For God Sake...

Now, i truly dont know what will happen next. Either they have to find someone else who is available for 24 months or we can come up to some point of agreement. We will see. Whatever it is, i am ready as i know everything happen for a reason.

Wider Role of Volunteer and the Phillipines

Ok, it still relates to pre-departure preparation. Since VSO Bahaginan in Manila is the recruitment based for Asia, i have to attend the WRV training in Philippine. I would say it was a sleepless days. My flight is at 1 am and only will arrive at 5 am (Bali doesnt have time difference with Manila). at 10 am the same day, i have to be at the hospital to undergo my medical clearance and some shoots of vaccines. The WRV coordinator instructed to wait for couple of hours (read 3 hours) at the airport, but i am just so lucky having some good friends in Manila. They dont want me to feel homeless by waiting at the airport that they woke up early, pick me up, bring me to their favorite Starbucks coffee shop and having breakfast. The are so concern that i will be confuse explaining my direction to the taxi driver that they take me to the hospital, wait for me and finally deliver me to VSO Bahaginan Office. They really make my life easy in Manila.

That`s about it. The venue of the training itself is quite far from the city. we have to drive for 2 hours to reach Silang, Cavite City where International Institute of Rural Reconstruction is located. Apparently, VSO Bahaginan always conduct the training in this place. They have all facility for long term training though. IIRR have several hostels, training halls, dining halls, and  BEAUTIFUL greenes all around which make it perfect for me. the contents of the training is exactly what we need as a volunteer, although i would say the time is too short as we have to compress many information into one. I studied globalization and development in one year, but here we have to tackles issues of globalization and development in 3 days. My favorite module are how to deals with conflict and corruption. The actual case from the field that the trainers presented make this module more helpful.

Anyways, the preparation is on going. I hope VSO Malawi can issue visa easily as the departure date is only a step ahead. I can`t wait to actually sit in the plane and start my journey.