Story from behind the Horizon

Its been two years.. yes two years,

Time flies so fast that i didn't even hear the buzz of it wings. I didn't realize i left Karonga for such a long time until i woke up this morning only to find myself closing my eyes over and over my eyes  trying to remember Chitumbuka words. Two years left me only with a very few words. My heart beat, i hurried to a table where i stuck my books and writing notes. Carefully, i opened again words that i learn in Malawi. Words that brought me closer and closer to my community, to the last mile.  i remember i had to often switch languages between tumbuka and english while i was talking to amama and adada and they were just laughing seeing me trying so hard.

I could forget the words, but the memories would never fade. it has special box at the back of my head. Especially when the book where some ( and very few) stories were being written was launched few weeks ago. I could always go back and read and experience the same thing over and over again..

This is the best gift from my adventure in Malawi. Together with two other amazing volunteers who conquered Thailand and Ghana, we worked really hard to have it written somewhere. It was one beautiful coincidence and support from different people, we could packed the stories in one book with beautiful bao bab tree in its orange-ish cover.

From Java with Love :)

This is it, the end of the chapter although I believe this is not literally the end. One year journey in Malawi that I committed has flown faster than I could imagine. Right when I started to feel  the beat, right when I realized I am doing something, right when my project manager started to talk to me that making my works a lot easier, right when I was in love with what I am doing, with the people, with place where I am staying, right when I accepted bitter sweet that has happened.  It ended there.

I am going home with pride. I was doing something. I wasn't waste my time. I was gaining what I wanted to get when I said YES to volunteer.  Self acceptance..yesﾅsadly, i didn't appreciate who I was before I went there. Badly, I didn't realize that I was able enough to do big things.  My farmers who were weeping over my leaving  helped me to understand that I did something.  If they could see me as I am why shouldn't i? if they could appreciate who I am why shouldn't i? if they could accept me as I am, why shouldn't i?  The moments that we shared together was significantly changed me as a person.
It wasn't good bye, it was just "see you soon" moments.  Though I don't know how soon, may be in this life, may be in the next life.

Now I am starting my Java chapter.  I hope I can stop comparing so that I can live my life easier. People always told me that my life will change after African experience, which turn to be true. Jakarta seems too big for a small girl like me. Crazy traffics and rush hour makes me missing the solitude in Malawi,  a lot of stairs of crossing bridge make me missing quiet road while walking and crossing the road, plenty of choice of clothes shoes bags makes me missing the simplicity of Karonga, Actress wannabe of 10 year old girl with full of make- up that I met in the mall make me missing Olivia and Wani, the sweetest children in Karonga, People who are busy with their big gadgets makes me miss "Muli Uli" or " Matsuera Bwanji" greetings. Oh, how I live a different life nowﾅI hope I wont turn to be the same human after some timeﾅ

My fellow returned volunteer told me to give myself time that apparently went through the same process. I promise myself to take it easy  and live a day at a time.


Ps: i will keep writing this blog and tell stories about how I miss Malawi. Will also post some photos as I can access faster internet now, so stay tune everyone..

Sweet Love,
Lili

ITS ABOUT TO END...

This is it. The journey of “sharing skill, changing life” is about to end. One more month and it will be a different story. Many things had happened since my last post that change my way of thinking and how I see my placement. At the end, I am happy that I will leave this program without bitterness and grudge.

This change of course will not possible without help from many amazing people who share their spirit with me. My family in Karonga is endlessly giving me supports and lessons. Shannon, the cheers leader and captain eating (how do you stay slim with all those eating??), Patrick, the perfectionist and the best organizer (thanks for making sure all those glamour trips happened Papa P..you still owe me Nyika or Tanzania :P), Tendai, the sweetest and kindness Malawian (or should I said Zimbabwean?), Raphael, our baby  and growing boy (hey..dont forced me to sing German song again ok…), and of course Gustav, (oh Gustav I will miss you badly…thanks for being so strong taking us everywhere in Malawi. Those trips would have been different without you). I am so blessed to have been sharing my life with this family which at the end teaches me to appreciate more than to complain.

The 21 days holidays around Malawi with the WATERS team also gave me extra power to finish my placement. I would never imagine that we could share that much fun together. I found myself smiling every time I remember our craziness and yet we still can have some constructive meetings in between our hangovers. Who would finish two bottles of water from heaven in some hours? Who would swim and play “Truth or Dare”  in the lake after midnight where there might me some crocodiles looking for food? (Oh..who lost the pants again? lol) Who would sleep in the non-waterproof tend and get soaked at the mountain? Who would constantly hop on and off minibuses for 21 days with all those smells of armpits, sweats, chickens, and fishes? Who would get on to the truck sharing spaces with dead animals, 20 plus other people and luggage not to mention pouring rain?  Who would stay under the rain and help the driver to get out from the muddy road for almost an hour? Who would keep our bottle of vodka under the skirt in a café because we are all running low? Who would dance two nights in a row just because we find a real club to dance regardless the unpaid allowance? During the day we behaved normal, sharing thoughts and idea, talking about life and discussing about works, but during the night we behaved abnormal.

BUT guess what, THAT’S WHY I LOVE you Doris, Florent, Brenda, Esther, and Marije…you taught me to see my life from different angles.  You taught me that I shouldn’t focus on my misery and not to always think about it. You taught me life must go on regardless what has happened and I am the only one who decides how it must go on. You taught me to keep friends for life and YOU ARE friends for life.  I am so proud of this team and so glad that I am part of it.

I am looking forward to give my last workshop to my communities sometime this month. I will be savoring my last moments with them. They are the reason of my existence here in Malawi. They are the reasons I stay. They are the reason I am able to fight the demons inside me and win the compassion.  I really hope that my time here changes their life somehow even in a smallest way. I will treasure this experience with them. I will value the love they given me. I will always keep them in my heart.

"What has changed" i once was asked

So it is over half way, WHAT HAS CHANGED?
Going through the indicators and based on the result of the Annual Partnerhip Review on my project, i am happy to report that there are some changes, direct or indirectly.

But that's not what i want to write here...

What has been changed? the answer is "ME"
This journey changes my life, up side down....i try so hard to hold on to what i believe, my moral is challenged, my compassion is being questioned, my dark side is exposed.

I feel ANGER slowly wrapping me in his wing from head to toes every time i encountered children who running all over me asking for "MONEY, SOBO, FANTA" or even to just bother with their nasty nose sound. Or when men approaching me with their drunkard eyes asking for more spirit to drink, asking to marry him, or just to ask SO MANY questions that i dont like to hear. I feel sad for not being able to react normal or to just simply ignore them. I feel disappointing on myself for letting those people having more power to determine my existence here. I become the meanest person..

Slowly i start to doubt myself. The compassion seems unreachable now...the road to happiness now bumping and i dont know where the bumpy road ends. Things that help me standing are i have goal to pursue, i have dream to catch, i have love to take care.

Question is how to react to a religious judgement?  I got a tough challenge the other day when a friend asked me "what has changes mostly since i arrived?". Loosing trust on people it is.
"Just like you lose trust in Jesus?" he judged
With a very un-genuinely smile i replied; "Do you think just because i didn't do what you are doing like hangout in the Church determine that i lose trust in Jesus?"
I know i was really mean...

The truth is God gives us freedom, like i am free to believe what i believe now. I am free to explore many other teachings that ever exist. which most of them said GOD is inside me. What is the final destination anyways? let alone heaven or hell...I dont trust them for SOOOO long time ago...

Living a life is MORE than heaven or hell....

David once said; " Life is about the process because the JOURNEY itself is the destination"
i couldn't agree more. And the stones along the road matters. The more stones or potholes that i successfully pass through the further i walk. Exhausted, tired, drained is definite but i guess it parts of the journey.

Does the change on MYSELF change my Journey? well..i dont think so... as i still trying hard to stay like i am, as i still trying hard to value what i valued before, i keep believing what i believe though it seems harder...
Mama Vanessa, Mama Imelda, Adada Kayenge, Adada Cirongo, Wini and Oliver the kids next door who always play with me show that i still have a bit of the heart that i brought along with me, they show me that i still deserve to stand here regardless the change in Me.

The journey to a healing

Surprisingly, the days i spent in Lilongwe turned to be good days regardless crazy windy and cloudy days. Alone, i walked in the poor streets of the old town in Lilongwe where most of people avoid to walk into. Even the program office suggested not to walk in those streets due to lots of crimes happened there. I tried to look people in their eyes. I fought my fear and try to trust those who also walk there. But honestly i never let myself off guarded. I am tired of walking in the safe side and avoiding having contact with the locals just because the fear of getting hurt. I took minibus here and there regardless my sickness of minibus for changing my life. Somehow, i have to ever come those feelings.

The journey of healing my soul is continuing. I took 13 hours bus crossing the country into Zambia. I tried not to feel anything when the bus moved so slow, stopping everywhere to take passengers, bad body odor from other passangers, super friendly immigration officer who spread his charm as if he is the most handsome man in the world that he can pick any girl that he wants, moody ugly and not pleasant girl who sit next to me. I dont listen to the complains from other white passengers on how difficult travelling in africa is. i was so cool with my ipod and myself. i cant stop smiling everytime i remember how easy the trip was regardless the long hours and tiresome journey.

Spending some days in Lusaka, meeting old friend and catch up on whats going on in our life, wandering around Livingstone, following all track on Vicatoria Falls park, Riding horse and encountering Zebras and Girraffe was really special. Slowly i gather myself back and start to like again the fact of being in Africa. 5 more months, i assume i can handle it well now.

Despite the heat that strike Karonga from this month onward, i am glad that i am back. I rearranged the house to feel more hommy, put some beautiful paintings on the wall, burnt some incenses and work on my garden. The special things is to meet my Karonga crew, they can always put smile on my face everytime we make fool to each other and talk about all different things.

They also make my birthday special. Shannon was attacking my desk with many beautiful birthday cards. at the chair, on the table, in the drawers, under the laptop. Literally, every time i went out and abandon my desk, she invaded it with cards. i am so blessed. And the boys were so excited for me. i couldn't ask for more celebration, having a special days with beautiful smiles from my friends and having dinner at the beach is more than i expected during this placement. I am thankful to life.

Riri Nyarwenda, The art of spelling and City of Stars Festival

"My name is Lili" i said when i introduced myself as soon as arrived in the country. " Oh Riri" Most of Malawian would reply. At the beginning patiently i tried to spell L I L I to them, and they would follow with R I R I. But after knowing that spelling was useless, and that soon after i was told that they always confused the letter "L" and "R" i just stoped correcting them. After 6 months being in country i already get used to hear people call me with RIRI instead of LILI. This art of spelling in Malawi sometimes make me and some other friends laugh our *ss off. For example with the word 'ELECTION" i always hear people said "ERECTION" :)...hilarious...

Anyways, it comes to my surprise that some of the leaders in the group of community where i am working gave me a local name. These 6 months i made a lot of field visit to the village and interact with them but nothing like this experience. It's all started when i took them to the knowledge exchange visit in Zomba about 900 km from Karonga. Spending a full week with them during the field visit to the sites of a climate change adaptation project in Lake Chilwa basin in Zomba helped us to know each other more. To be honest, leading 14 representatives from the community would never be easy especially when you have to ask somebody to translate what you are saying although there are couple of people who speak basic English who can ask me questions when they confuse. They seemed so happy  to have such an opportunity to travel and experience different life from what they have in Karonga. Especially when we visited one of the forest community in Mangochi, i could tell that they are amazed and felt important when we were welcomed with a lot of dancing and singing from the community. One leader looked at me in the eyes and say "Thank you for bringing us here", another lady came to me and just hug me with moistened eyes said something in the local language that i couldn't understand. Apparently, being welcomed with a lot of singing and dancing are something special for them which led to something special for me as soon as we were back to the hotel. Some of the leaders who can communicate simple english called me and said "Now your name is Mama Riri Nyarwenda" seems like they trust me enough to become part of them. I was moved for this is one of the highlight of my presence here in Malawi, they are accepting me.

The week is continuously better and better as i am taking my first 2 weeks vacation right after the workshop. It happened that the famous City of Stars Festival in Lilongwe were taken place. For the first time since i arrive i feel so free, two days in a row we were having fun, partying, dancing, eating, drinking, and  singing along with the bands (from reggae, to jazz, to Malawian music, to slum poetry, to sexy malawian dancing, ect ect ). It was best party in Malawi especially i was doing it with cool people, i am blessed.

The famous singer Lusius Banda on the background

Gardening and tree planting, i am having fun at least

"You should stay here for four years" said Mama Vannesa, one of my neighbors after telling her the use of herbs that i plant in my small garden. She said i can be their African doctor. I just smiled, i wished there are more that can hold me to stay for four years.
Slowly, i collect myself together after the last insanity. Simply because i want the remaining 5 months to pass peacefully, no grieve, no sorry, no other insanity (i hope). I spent the last 3 hours today working in the garden. Distributing cauliflower seedlings, preparing bedding for beans nursery, putting all herbs in one plot, i enjoyed it. Not just once, i screamed and shocked when i saw the small head of worm pop up from the earth when i scarified the soil. To be honest, i dont like them, but what can i say, they are best friend with my plants and have to see them all the time. Yikes...

Anyways, Karonga becomes warmer and warmer. I start seeing people sleep outside and seems they dont bother with mosquito while Malaria is the number one killer here in Africa. More people in the streets which sometimes irritating me, especially children who often following me asking for money, or simply want to bother me with chinness nose sounds. The more i tried to ask them to stop, the more fun it is for them and the more evil smile i saw in their face. But i learned the trick already, ignoring and giving them the very mean face will stop them.

It is so much different in the village though, children tend to behave like children that i know, shy, cute, and

Innocent.  The trip to the village the whole week last week encouraged me to give my best again. I am getting back my spirit. We distributed as much as 80.000 tree seeds in 10 different nurseries together with all necessary inputs that they need to work on their nursery. i enjoyed filling the polypack tubes with soil with them. we were having fun although sometimes i have no idea what they were talking about.  I promised myself to mobilize them planting those trees in the woodlot that they prepared before i am going home early next year. At least there is tangible work that i leave in this bitter sweet home.